Redeem this text for a blowjob
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
