Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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