The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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