White coat. Heels.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
