I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
