What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
