When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
