There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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