Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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