I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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