I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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