Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
