Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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