The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
tell your sister to shave her snatch
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
