Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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