brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
