you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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