Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
