Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
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I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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