So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
