Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
