why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
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We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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