dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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