I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
