I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
