I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
