do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
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I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
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The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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