I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
