I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.