Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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