Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
