I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
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I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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