and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
