Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
