Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
