Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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