The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
