Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
