man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
