We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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