I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
