And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it was like his penis was on wheels.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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