its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
