Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
