I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
