My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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