No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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