So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
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i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
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Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.