they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think a kid would responsible me up
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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