I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
