These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
