Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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