What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
