I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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