I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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