i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
