Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
