im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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