literally had 100 drinks last night.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
