Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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