you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
