dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
