Will you blow on my dice?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
