hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
