turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
