I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
